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The Devil's Dictionary

by Ambrose Bierce
HEBREW
HEMP

HELPMATE

-n.

A wife, or bitter half.

 "Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?"
Says the priest. "Since the time 'o yer wooin'
She's niver [sic] assisted in what ye were at —
For it's naught ye are ever doin'."
 "That's true of yer Riverence [sic]," Patrick replies,
And no sign of contrition envices;
"But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implies,
For she helps to mate the expinses [sic]!"

- Marley Wottel